March 6, 2015
Dear Torn: (Follow up to, “But He’s In Love With Me”) Last week I asked that you think about Bell Hooks’ definition of love: “love is a combination of care, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust”. You asked should you work things out with your ex or try to build something with the new guy. You explained that you’re not money hungry, want to build a life with someone and desperately want to have a family. It seems to me that you simply don’t want to be alone so now you’re left feeling as if you must decide between the “jerk” and the “bad guy”.
Have you really taken some time away from both men to consider your own needs? My thoughts are that you can benefit from taking a step back to consider the following in order to help you get closer to resolving your dilemma:
Do you know your insecurities? It’s just you dealing with you so don’t go short changing yourself on what you know to be true. You mentioned that your ex told you in his own way that your fifty-pound loss wasn’t good enough. How did that make you feel? Know what your insecurities, flaws, shortcomings or whatever you’d like to call them and you’ll be less likely to allow other folks to play them against you.
Is either guy really worth your time? You and your ex have similar values but he doesn’t treat you well. While on a break you became close to the new guy. Somewhere there is an old school grandma ready to tell you that if it was all good with the first guy there’d be no new guy! You went from someone who isn’t treating you well to someone who at this time wouldn’t be the ideal man to start a family with. You said it yourself that he doesn’t have his life together but that “he’s in love with you”. He’s told you that he’s willing to change but has he changed over the course of your relationship? Both guys have already shown you who they are, believe them.
What do you deserve? You have to know your own worth in order to stop accepting less than what you deserve. You deserve a man who will meet you half way. He won’t show up to belittle you about your weight nor expect you to resolve all of his madness. Essentially you deserve a partner. Right now what you have are two men who presently aren’t good partners. Neither matches your wants nor needs. Choose the ex and your self-esteem may take blows over the years. Choose the new guy and you may end up feeling as if you’re raising the child that you hope to have.
I’m not going to tell you who to choose. What I will suggest you do is to sit with yourself and get to the heart of why is it that you’re willing to accept less than your worth. What’s going on with you is more important than deciding between the two. If you have some unresolved baggage from previous relationships deal with it or you’ll continue to find yourself in the same struggle.
Lastly, you are worthy of love. Believe it and repeat it often to yourself.
Named one of BRAVA Magazine's 2015 Women to Watch, Sabrina Madison or as you may know her “Heymiss Progress” is a poet, motivational speaker, entrepreneur and change agent. She can be reached through her website, About Sabrina "HeyMiss Progress" Madison, at www.heymissprogress.com.